she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
