I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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