well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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