Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
