ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
