conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
