I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
