and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
