You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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