You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize