Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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