chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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