my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
there is glitter all over my balls
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