U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
