nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
