My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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