What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize