Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
