I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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