i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
