I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize