if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
