My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
