Me. At least after what I've been through.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
