My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
