I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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