I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
