They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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