I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
