I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
