my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
