oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
