Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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