Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
