she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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