Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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