Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
