I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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