my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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