So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I supernannyed him into submission
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
