Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
