I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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