Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
