Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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