My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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