my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
