My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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