my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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