He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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