Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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