I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
