i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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