I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
