When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
