Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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