I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
