why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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