Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
