I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
