Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
