are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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