I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
