There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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