you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
foreskin is a definite game changer
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
