I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
