People with herpes should wear stickers.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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