we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
