The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
