I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
