i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
